Tara's Story (miscarriage)

All my life I have wanted to be a mommy. Of course there were other professions thrown in there ( ballerina, school bus driver, teacher) but it always came back to being a mommy. I married my high school sweetheart, Larry, after dating for 4 (long) years and we decided to start a family after being married for about 10 months. On my 21st birthday I took a pregnancy test that was positive. I was thrilled! Our baby would be born in November before all the holidays. What perfect timing, we would be together with extended family members and they could all meet our little one.
Weeks passed and I was feeling great. Larry and I were talking about baby names. I was thinking of how to decorate the nursery. My sister started calling the baby 'Alex' because she didn't like to say 'it' and Alex could be a boy or girl name. I was falling in love with this little person I hadn't even seen yet. Then one day at work when I went to the bathroom there was blood. Not a lot, but blood none the less. I went home immediately, called the doctor, and then laid on the couch for the rest of the day. And worried. What was happening? Was this just spotting or something worse? How could I cope if I lost my baby?
The Doctor ordered an ultrasound for me. And the bleeding got worse. I was terrified. My husband drove me to the hospital and we were taken to a room where they did the ultrasound. I undressed and was panicked by all the blood I saw. The room was dim and cold and the technician said nothing as she preformed the ultrasound. When she was done she said she was sending the information to my Dr. and he would call at the hospital to talk with me about the results. She said I could get dressed while we waited. I went to the bathroom first before getting dressed. When I looked in the toilet I wanted to scream "NO, NO, NO!!" This couldn't be happening to me.
Larry and I waited in a small room with 2 stools and a phone. When my Dr. called he delivered the news in a gentle voice but that couldn't diminish the devastation. He said to me "I'm sorry, but it's over." He went on to explain I had what is called a blighted ovum. When they did the ultrasound they found no baby. I asked him if there had ever been a baby and he said their probably was one but it died soon after making it's way into my womb. For some reason my body went on thinking I was pregnant for weeks after my baby had died.
We left the hospital and I cried all the way home. I made some phone calls to family members to say what had happened and then went to bed. Larry took off work the next day to be with me and I was very thankful. We went to a nearby farmers market to try to take our minds off of what was happening. There we ran into a close family member who knew I was miscarrying. We made small talk but she never mentioned what I was going thru and that hurt. A lot.
Other people said things like "You're young, you still have time to have babies" or "There was probably something wrong with the baby anyway". Yes, I was young and yes I had time to have more babies but since this was my first pregnancy I was worried. Now I knew I could get pregnant but I had no idea if I could carry a baby to full term. It still makes my blood boil after 6 years when I think of how people said "There was probably something wrong with it". Implying that I should be grateful that I miscarried. Now, I know these people meant well and they probably didn't know what to say. But that IS NOT a good thing to say to a grieving mother. What I wish people knew was this: You don't have to say anything. Just be there. Or send a card or flowers. Drop a note saying "I'm praying for you". These are the things that meant the most to me. I have a dear friend who at the time of my miscarriage was struggling with infertility. I can't tell you how many times we just cried together, for ourselves and each other. That was healing for me. Thru the love of my friends I felt the love of Jesus.
When November 11th rolled around I had a hard time even though I was expecting again. This was the day my first baby was due. But I took much comfort knowing my baby was safe with Jesus in Heaven. I knew God had a plan for me and His ways are higher than mine. I had to learn to trust Him with my future children. And God has been good to me. I am blessed to have a 5 year old daughter, a 4 year old son, and a 2 year old son. And come June we will add baby #4 to our (sometimes) chaotic mix!
I might not ever understand why God chose to let me suffer the pain of miscarriage. But this I do know: God's plan is sovereign and His timing is right on. The hard part is trusting Him but I've seen Him prove himself over and over. And so I pray that I continue to trust Him and that you will too.