Eleven years ago my future was changed forever. Tim and I had been married for eight years and we were excited to be expecting our first child. The pregnancy brought lots of emotional events. It seemed though that after I entered my second trimester things settled down. We heard the baby’s heartbeat and I began to feel peaceful about the pregnancy.
That all changed suddenly. Just a few drops of blood and my life began to shift in ways I never imagined. I called our midwife and they decided to do a “routine” ultrasound. We scheduled it for the next day and I made arrangements to take off work.
Wednesday afternoon we walked in for the ultrasound. We were excited. We weren’t planning on having an ultrasound or finding out the sex of the baby but decided to find out that day. The first few minutes were normal. Then it went on and on. The ultrasound tech was deathly quiet and we knew something was wrong. Finally after about a half hour she left and called the doctor. I remember clinging to Tim’s hand. She returned and told us that our midwife wanted to see us in her office and we were to go over there.
We drove the few blocks in silence. Wondering… The mind is an incredible thing, without enough information it will create the worst scenarios in the place of information. Ok, there was something wrong with the baby, we would deal with it. Maybe it would involve surgery. We were blessed to have many friends who were in the medical community where we lived so we knew that we could handle medical problems.
Once we reached the midwife’s office, one of the midwives met us at the door and took us into a private office. Julie sat at the desk and said “You know I don’t have good news for you…” Those few little words began the quake that shook our lives. Our baby had died. We would have to go through labor and delivery. We were scheduled to the hospital the next morning. In all our wondering we never imagined that they would tell us that the baby died.
On September 19, 1998 I gave birth to our first baby. Josiah James was stillborn at 22 weeks. We found out on September 16 that JJ didn't have a heart beat and we went to the hospital on the 17th. JJ was born Saturday night. He weighed 8 ozs and was 10 inches long. I easily held him in the palm of one hand. It was a night that forever changed my life.
Those are the memories that I have. I remember what he looked like wrapped in a miniature blanket with a tiny hat. Those are the memories that I dust off today. I never rocked him, or feed him or changed a diaper. I never got to whisper in his ear. I got to hold him for a few short minutes. Today I remember those minutes. I mourn the loss of so much more.
When we drove to the hospital eleven years ago it was raining. We commented that God was weeping with us. Today I know that I am not alone in my grief. I know that God lovingly cares for me. Today I trust that my heavenly Father has a plan for this in my life that I can’t see or understand. I trust that He didn’t forsake me eleven years ago and he will not leave me today.
Long after you think you are done grieving you will feel the tears rush to your eyes and the hand constrict your heart as you remember.
I have posted previously about what I gained and lost when we gave birth to Josiah. This week I was reminded that even 11 years after the fact that my soul still grieves.
In the days, weeks and months that passed after we lost Josiah, grief literally flooded my soul much like a tidal wave. It would wash over me until there was nothing left. Even though my faith in God remained there was little to my spiritual life. I had no emotional energy it was like the grief had washed all the excess out to sea and it left me very raw and even barren.
As time passed the grief would still come but it seemed a little less in a way. Then last year as I dealt with some issues in my life it felt like the tidal wave was back again. It left me raw and emotionally barren. This year I have noticed that the grief still comes but it is a little softer. There is less rawness and more longing. Maybe that isn’t exactly right, I am still raw. I still deal with emotions that ride underneath the surface of my life. It seems I am more sensitive to certain things and more callous to others. But the under current isn’t rawness it is longing.
I long for the day when my family will be complete. I long for the day when I will finally after all these years get to hold and rock my baby. I long to see his face and know him. I long to see him perfected and whole not to erase the memories of his imperfection but to know he is finally complete.
I shared last year that grief books say when you lose your parents you lose your past but when you lose a child you lose your future. You lose the chance for the unknown. Maybe that is why the grief a child seems more poignant. You aren’t grieving the known, the memories you have. You are grieving the memories you could have had, all the things your child could have done and been.
With the loss of a child you don’t dust off memories you can laugh and cry over. You don’t have those memories to dust off. They simply aren’t there. Instead when certain milestones come you remember the loss and mourn the unknown. Our baby would have been born today; this is the first Christmas, first birthday, over and over. You mourn all the unknowns that you can never share with your baby.
I want to spend today remembering what I gained.
By going through the loss of our first born I gained an ever growing empathy for so many women who have suffered that same loss. It made me stop and realize how many times I had shared platitudes with people who were literally knee deep in grief.
By holding JJ I gained an understanding of how gracious and loving our heavenly father is. He willing laid down the life of his son for mankind.
I also gained a new realization of what a blessing it is to have healthy children. God is very generous by loaning us the precious gifts for a time.
I also gained a new understanding of the faithfulness of God. Prior to losing JJ I knew in my head that God was faithful. I knew that the Bible taught about his faithfulness and I really believed it. But when the world collapsed under my feet I learned first hand about God's faithfulness. I learned that even when my circumstances change, my God is still faithful. He still loves me, he cares about me and he never leaves me alone.
In the loss of a child I did lose some of my hope for the future. I grieved the loss of something unknown. But God was so loving and gracious that he opened the doors of heaven and poured out his blessings in my life. He comforted me with his comfort and walked with me during some of the darkest days of my life.
This was the scripture that one of my dear friends shared with me.
Psalms 20:1-5
May the Lord answer you when you are in distress;
may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.
May he send you help from the sanctuary and grant your support from Zion.
May he remember all your sacrifices and accept your burnt offerings.
May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.
We will shout for joy when you are victorious
and will live up our banners in the name of our God.
May the Lord grant all your requests.
If you know someone who has suffered the loss of a child, I highly recommend the book Mommy, Please Don't Cry. This is written like a children's books with simple text and beautiful illustrations. It will bring many tears but also much comfort in knowing that the children we mourn are in the hands of a loving heavenly Father.
God is good...all the time.
Tim shared with friends that "grief and joy come back to back in life a lot." Eleven years ago I woke up to empty arms and struggled to prepare for a memorial service. Three years ago today I woke up to a 9 lb blessing named William Matthew.
Last year on Josiah's birthday we refused medical induction for our baby that was 2 weeks overdue. I didn't have a problem with Will being born on 9/19 if that was God's plan, but I didn't want it to be at the convenience of the doctor. We left the hospital and came home to spend the day with our boys and wait. I went into labor that afternoon and we arrived at the hospital at 11:00 pm. William Matthew was born at 12:30 am on September 20th.
God chose to give us a visual reminder of his goodness. This morning I woke up next to this reminder. As he rolled over and rubbed his eyes, I was able to thank God for his faithfulness. I was also reminded that he pours out his blessings in our lives when we don't really deserve them.
Many times in life I am reminded of different characteristics of God but I think one that is sometimes overlooked is God's goodness. People will talk about God's love, his faithfulness, kindness, mercy and so on. Those are all a part of who God is. When we struggle with difficult times it is hard to remember that God is good. God by his very nature can not do bad. When I see things happen that I don't understand I have to remind myself that even though I don't understand, the God I serve is bigger than I am. He sees eternity and has a plan. He is good ... all the time.
Job1:21b
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.
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